The Question I Couldn’t Stop Thinking About

i was following a trail of questions when i finally recognized something i’d never had words for — what feels like the thing i’d always been moving toward, or away from, or both.

as best i can tell, the thread running through almost everything in my life has been a movement toward not abandoning myself. it doesn’t feel like something i chose. it feels like something that’s been pulling me all along.

it wasn’t that i couldn’t feel the pull.

it was that another part of me was pulling just as hard.

i’ve spent much of my life wanting something my body didn’t seem to believe was possible.

i ached for more from life than survival.

my body was trying to survive.

it took me a long time to find words for what i’d been experiencing.

whenever i felt safe enough, it felt like more of life was available to me—as though i were coming home to it.

for a long time, i assumed, without really examining it, that this must be what everyone’s life was really about.

and then i caught myself.

i’ve only ever experienced life from inside one mind.

maybe everyone has a thread like this.

maybe everyone’s is completely different.

maybe some people wouldn’t describe their life this way at all.

that’s what made me curious enough to ask:

what does your life feel like it’s about?

is there a thread?