my body has always felt like an emergency

my body has always felt like an emergency.
not sometimes. always.

i only know discomfort.
except for sex and dancing.
that’s it.

i’ve had something mysterious going on in my body for the past 10 years.
it’s been all-consuming.
i’m finally starting to feel a little better.

now i’m trying to come out of the functional freeze
i’ve been in for most of my life.

honestly, i’m scared to.

—

i asked my subconscious what to do
and it showed me a lizard.
which feels very on brand for my life lately.

—

a lizard doesn’t plan.
it doesn’t perform.

it moves when it’s warm enough.
it rests when it’s not.

—

return to something simple.
something that barely asks anything of you.

• something small
• something physical
• something that doesn’t require being seen

like:

• sit somewhere warm for a few minutes
• do a tiny, almost pointless body movement (stretch, sway, lay on the floor)
• follow the smallest impulse instead of the most important one

don’t try to expand right now—
just come back in small ways
and stop before it’s too much.

lizards don’t force themselves to act when they’re not ready.

—

so my work right now is this:

taking all the pressure off.
like… all of it.

letting it be uncomfortably slow.

trying to fall into a rhythm
i haven’t found yet.

one that’s as slow as nature.
or something like a lizard.

declaring that i’m not behind.
that i’m not doing it wrong.

that maybe
i’m healing 30 years of panic in my body.

that maybe
i’m becoming something new.

the best things happen slowly.

i’m starting to see i need to take my time.
more time than i ever thought was allowed.

of course this is how i find my power again.
i just couldn’t see it before.

in the past i was moving from what i thought was expected of me.
i had never seen anyone move slowly.
not like this.

not outside of survival.
not without constantly thinking about what needed to be done.

this feels like being given another chance.
to start moving from something else.

not from my mind.

—

is anyone else trying to come back
to a body that never felt safe?